While running on the treadmill last night, I started thinking about my accomplishments this week. In my blog post yesterday I kind of glazed over the fact that I lost 5 pounds since last week's weigh-in. The reality of this pretty much smacked me in the face during my run. I have been on this weight loss journey since January 2008. Between 2008 and 2009 I lost approximately 55 pounds. It was such a huge adjustment for me mentally that I was afraid to continue the weight loss.
I couldn't quite wrap my head around the fact that I was now 50 pounds lighter. So I allowed myself to become more relaxed with my workouts and diet and to get comfortable at my current weight despite needing to lose another 50 pounds. Well let me tell you, I settled in for the long haul. For the past few years I have maintained my weight (successfully, if being afraid of change can be considered a success) but I have not lost more than the same 5-10 pounds over and over again. So to lose 5 whole pounds in one week is a bit of a wake up call.
I am learning that weight loss, especially a major weight loss, needs to happen in your head just as much as (if not more so) in your body. I have always had a mental block when it comes to reaching my goal weight. When I was younger I refused to walk around the neighborhood or exercise outside because I feared people would judge me because I was fat. In reality they probably would have thought "good for her", or more likely wouldn't have even noticed me at all. Once after losing 30 pounds with Weight Watchers, I went to a family gathering where my relatives ooh'd and aaah'd over my new figure. Most people would revel in the attention - I hated it and promptly ate my way back to invisibility. I wore my fat as a cloak to hide behind; it was my shield against unwanted attention and it was also my security blanket. I knew how to be the fat girl, I did not know how to be the pretty girl or the skinny girl or the healthy girl.
The past few years of maintaining my weight have helped me to adjust mentally to the increased attention. I've come to better understand how to deal with success and praise. There are certainly still times when I feel like the invisible kid I was back in high school and I have to remind myself that that girl is long gone. I want this... and I think I'm finally ready for it.