Last night I had a meltdown. Looking ahead at the WOD programmed for today, I saw that it was a lot of handstands and wall walks. I cannot do a handstand. Inversions of most kinds terrify me. The last time we had handstands as a skill in CrossFit I stood and watched everyone else attempt them, too afraid to even get near the wall.
Lately running has faded to the background of my workout routine, with CrossFit becoming the priority. When I sat down to give thought as to why that is, it was clear that I'm consumed by comparing myself to everyone else. As much joy as running has brought me, it also brings heartache. I've attended one too many group runs that promise to accommodate all paces, only to be left plodding along by myself. I see people around me getting faster while I struggle to maintain consistency. When I have a bad run or don't hit my goal paces I somehow associate that with my self-worth. It's a slippery slope and lately my response has been to dig in my heels and say "I don't wanna."
Enter CrossFit: I've never lifted heavy weights in my life. As a beginner to anything, there is initially tremendous growth. I have progressed well with my lifts and as a result I've grown more confident in my abilities and in the strength of my own body. I think that's why last night hit me so hard. I know I'm not even close to doing things like handstands or pull-ups, but it really upset me that I couldn't simply place my feet on the wall and support my body weight with my arms. I felt inferior. I felt weak. Then I got angry at my body. If only it was smaller, maybe then I could support its weight. Ugh shut up, brain.
Someday, I'm gonna do a handstand.